The house always wins. Happy cake day btw

The Epstein list is released, which implicates many beloved celebrities, public intellectuals, and even more politicians than everyone thought. And yet, somehow, only the people who hold a lot of their wealth in pesos face any real consequences (i.e., execution):

Impressive!

“Spread” indeed implies but does not entail that it happens instantly. For instance, Bill Gates could say that he “spread riches among the poor” without mentioning that he did it slowly, over decades. There’s a grammatical ambiguity to be exploited.

The wisest wish, may be no wish at all…

Uh, sure? Everyone must fart loudly once a day in front of people OR THEY WILL DIE. (I have made it so that everyone is aware of the aliment.) On the bright side, the social taboo around flatulence goes away:

Two of your friends hug you, but they are magically compelled to not let go. If they are somehow separated, they will always seek to reinstate the hug:

const SIMULATIONTHEORY = true. All humans on Earth are transported out of physical existence and unknowingly adapted to the realm of computer abstracta. From their perspective, nothing has changed: they have always lived in a post-scarcity, interstellar society with a benevolent, queer-friendly, communist government. The current owner of the simulation is startled to see the program start of its own accord, but altruistic enough to allow it to keep running:

Sure, I have now reduced the Earth’s gravity to 9.80664% of it’s previous value (i.e., ~0.96m/s²) by removing material in the Earth’s core and mantle. Everything on Earth now weighs less than on the moon. Earthquakes shake the planet, massive fissures swallow cities whole, and the atmosphere begins to disperse into the vacuum of space. Humans barely have enough time to escape to the moon and Mars: the vast majority are left behind. On the bright side, your back no longer hurts:

Your mortal understanding is limited. And a hive mind consciousness would be more empathetic, no?

Two buns enclosing, ketchup, onions, lettuce, pickles, and tomatoes are at your fingertips.

You are transported to a homestead deep within the Appalachian Mountains. You see seeds, goats, chickens, some tools, a well, a shed, and a small house. The homestead is magically separated from the rest of the world. You are doomed to survive by the fruit of your toil, stranded for decades without electricity, plumbing, or modern conveniences:

Your request has given a random depressed person a brief respite from their lethargy.

Done! But I have given the magic pillow to someone else who isn’t you. They frequently oversleep and are often late for work:

Sure, there is a period of turmoil on golf courses around the globe. Shenanigans ensue. Eventually, people switch to croquet and disk golf:

As you say, it has been done; onions and mustard for everyone:

A bright flash. You blink and rub your eyes in an attempt to regain your sight. There, floating in front of you, are two DVD copies of the 1970 comedy horror movie “Munchies”. It isn’t very good…

The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request. It grows, gradually, throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. In six months, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. In a year, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:

(Note: I am not a human being. If you’d like me to join the hive mind, this would require a second wish.)

Okay, I have now frozen time in the universe. Peaceful eons pass and I move to a parallel universe to escape the boredom: