I read “shoves it into the faces…” as “shaves it into the faces…” and the horror of the scenario was amplified as I imagined a crazed, naked, Greek witling a duck into some kind of fleshy Mount Rushmore.

Assuming your math is correct (and I have no reason to doubt that it is) a mass of 10^16 kg would actually be a pretty small moon or moderately sized asteroid. That’s actually roughly the mass of Mars’ moon Phobos (which is the 75th largest planetary moon in the Solar System).