Oh shit, we have phishing now? Fediverse is catching on, if they think this is worth their time

Whoa, so that means republicans are going to cease supporting him, right?? What’s that about a <10% change?

Linda would have played it. And won.

The rhinoceros beetle says “check this slab of HOT bug SEX sitting before you upon a stick. My stick. No one else may perch upon my throne, my lair, my kingdom, lest they be smote upon the ground like so much errant detritus. I am a fucking god.” Sex appeal is weird across the animal kingdom.

I’ve never seen this before, it was entertaining. Particularly the part where everyone started hallucinating and then died.

Not gonna lie, if someone said that about me, I’d probably start crying. This guy lives in a reality so utterly malicious and repugnant that even minor jokes about him breach social decorum. Jesus

My gym teacher discovered a melanoma that would otherwise have taken my life at a mere six years old. I’m confounded by the idea that only astronauts should be spared sickness. I owe my health to his daily suppositories.

In the nineties? He’s living in the sixties, looking to bring us back to the twenties and thirties.

Every bug has a job! Fruit flies consume the yeast on rotting fruit and their larvae consume the fruit itself, broadening the distribution of plant matter. Dragonflies voraciously consume all flying insects, but particularly slow flying ones like mosquitos, while their nymphs do the same in the water, controlling populations to avoid collapse. Scorpions sit inside your shoes and sting you to remind you to check your shoes for scorpions.

Penis inspection day at school used to be so innocent.

Anon hired a decent lawyer who argued that the seizure was frivolous and antagonistic. The court agreed, but by the time his guns were released, they had all converted to Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, and Linux.

I really don’t care to argue the point. Read up, if you care to argue it in court

To an audience that isn’t interested in seeing them, yeah. They require consent, otherwise it’s a sex crime not dissimilar to flashing. I can’t remember the specific term. Non-consensual something or other.

Edit: I still can’t remember but the word “brandishing” keeps hopping to the forefront of my mind, and brandishing tits sounds hilarious

To be clear, both of these things are sex crimes, so don’t draw any major lessons from either side, aside from “don’t fuck with people.”

I’ve slowly distanced myself from political communities so now I see nonsense like this and wonder what’s going on out there.

Just after Paul

He is an obese man in the gym. Literally nothing more admirable than someone improving themselves.

The spray. The warm spray is what alerted me.

Have you ever witnessed what a hydraulic lift can do to a human torso? Your average stick of butter can only dream of understanding how cleanly a ribcage falls to such unyielding force.

At first, I reflexively sought refuge behind the car I was working on, but there was no need. I had no way of knowing this, but my friend’s chest had been crushed and sheared well beyond the center point. Ironically, he had been the only victim of his own arterial action, spraying himself in his final moments. What struck me was the fluid from the severed hydraulic line.

After I had finished hyperventilating, the rest of the day was a blur. I could hardly manage to focus on the paperwork the police handed me or anything else, for that matter. How could I?

He and I had taught each other how to babble, learned how to walk side by side. We had cheated our way through school, partied, cared for each other when sick or feeble, built our lives on trusting one another. We had lived together longer than most families, truly loved one another as friends. And then he was meat taking up space in a bag.

I don’t know how I arrived home, but I remember my wife’s worried face as I stood in front of the door, keys in hand at my hip. She tenderly hugged me but I couldn’t help but recoil at the foreign pressure. I dragged myself through the door frame and slumped against the wall, finally landing upon something soft at my wife’s near imperceptible guidance.

She decided that I needed to remove myself from the situation, from my life. At least for a little while. Long enough to eat and breathe. My lungs felt as though they had been stuffed with cotton, and I was nearly ready to tear it out when she placed a bottle of whiskey at my hip and turned on the television across the room. To be outside myself was the greatest blessing I had ever been given.

My son walked into the room, chuckling to himself. I couldn’t help but light up a bit at his mirth and purity. He was everything right in the world, an unblemished angel sent to keep me from shattering. My vessel could take not a drop more, and he knew that.

He spoke some words made inaudible by the tv and the ringing in my ears, before dropping his shorts and expelling dripping feculence across the ground, and shrieking a laugh that felt like drills eating through my ears. The same tone that rang from my friend in his final moments.

I was broken.