it was bad, but we both agree we have to talk about it.

The conversation became a yelling match where neither listened to the other, we both started ranting about the other one and left the room.

It was, however, mostly my fault, something I want to acknowledge.

I was thinking about using pauses each time one feels offended or thinks is going to yell, so we both leave the room and calm down, pauses we can use to try to understand the other’s point of view before resuming the conversation. We don’t have to solve all our problems in one sitting, we could explain how we see a particular issue and if we don’t see an immediate solution, sleep on it, meet on another day to keep talking about it. I’ve also heard about using a talking pillow and not forgetting is not me against her, but we against the problem, but other than that I have no idea what to do.

I also plan to tell her I find some things she does extremely unfair because this is not a one sided apology where I’m the only guilty party.

This is a conversation to clear the air, to be sincere and to see if we still want to be friends.

  • noretus@sopuli.xyz
    14·
    2 days ago

    Look into Non-violent Communication https://www.cnvc.org/

    And also this https://pastebin.com/ZHhS044M

    Both require very, very stern honesty with oneself and understanding the difference between FEELINGS and NARRATIVES about feelings. You both need to commit to this, and NOT police each other - when one of you sees the other fail, it’s on them to translate, not to guilt trip.

    (and yes, learning this will initially lead to very stiff and awkward speech, you’ll get over it)

    • Catpain Typo@lemmy.world
      2·
      1 day ago

      Yes good advice here. I find the simplest thing to say and the hardest thing to do at the time is to notice when I am taking things personally and then just stop that. Nothing the other person is saying is actually about me and all about them. Of course if something they are saying is fair or useful then I can use that later to see why it hurts and what that might be pointing to. Another great book is the four agreements.

    • sopularity_fax@sopuli.xyz
      2·
      2 days ago

      ✅Second NVC. Just buy an app that helps structure your script that it goes thru the procees fill in the blanks style kind of and it will give you a decent starting point if you like something a bit more interactive than the basic diagram above

      Maybe listen to a session or some NVC clips in action on Youtube to get a feel for it

      Invite them to use NVC (even let them use your app when its their turn) on something they need that maybe they feel like you’re not 100% on for them.

      If the friendship has the legs, they will be into it, if not they will likey feel like you’re not worth the trouble for them. Either way, its good because it seperates the wheat from the chaff in terms of who your actualy genuine relationships are with.

      Plan it out first, then text them step by step if they are open to engaging. I really like texting for these things because it gives everyone space to think and react or slow themselvesdown and be more conscious of how they are feeling and what their options are for responding and its easier to be grace-giving because its not face to face