it was bad, but we both agree we have to talk about it.
The conversation became a yelling match where neither listened to the other, we both started ranting about the other one and left the room.
It was, however, mostly my fault, something I want to acknowledge.
I was thinking about using pauses each time one feels offended or thinks is going to yell, so we both leave the room and calm down, pauses we can use to try to understand the other’s point of view before resuming the conversation. We don’t have to solve all our problems in one sitting, we could explain how we see a particular issue and if we don’t see an immediate solution, sleep on it, meet on another day to keep talking about it. I’ve also heard about using a talking pillow and not forgetting is not me against her, but we against the problem, but other than that I have no idea what to do.
I also plan to tell her I find some things she does extremely unfair because this is not a one sided apology where I’m the only guilty party.
This is a conversation to clear the air, to be sincere and to see if we still want to be friends.
Look into Non-violent Communication https://www.cnvc.org/
And also this https://pastebin.com/ZHhS044M
Both require very, very stern honesty with oneself and understanding the difference between FEELINGS and NARRATIVES about feelings. You both need to commit to this, and NOT police each other - when one of you sees the other fail, it’s on them to translate, not to guilt trip.
(and yes, learning this will initially lead to very stiff and awkward speech, you’ll get over it)
Yes good advice here. I find the simplest thing to say and the hardest thing to do at the time is to notice when I am taking things personally and then just stop that. Nothing the other person is saying is actually about me and all about them. Of course if something they are saying is fair or useful then I can use that later to see why it hurts and what that might be pointing to. Another great book is the four agreements.
This is very good advice. Also, commit to actually listening to the other person
✅Second NVC. Just buy an app that helps structure your script that it goes thru the procees fill in the blanks style kind of and it will give you a decent starting point if you like something a bit more interactive than the basic diagram above
Maybe listen to a session or some NVC clips in action on Youtube to get a feel for it
Invite them to use NVC (even let them use your app when its their turn) on something they need that maybe they feel like you’re not 100% on for them.
If the friendship has the legs, they will be into it, if not they will likey feel like you’re not worth the trouble for them. Either way, its good because it seperates the wheat from the chaff in terms of who your actualy genuine relationships are with.
Plan it out first, then text them step by step if they are open to engaging. I really like texting for these things because it gives everyone space to think and react or slow themselvesdown and be more conscious of how they are feeling and what their options are for responding and its easier to be grace-giving because its not face to face
Shut up and listen. No, not just don’t talk and wait your turn to talk, listen. Really listen. Don’t just hear. Pay attention to what they are saying. And don’t rush to respond. Real communication isn’t just back and forth. It’s understanding. And you can’t do that if you’re just busy waiting your turn or trying to come up with your reply.
- What you see/heard (focus on facts, not opinions or judgements)
- WHAT you felt (how your body and mind reacted in response)
- Thing you need/need to meet (basic needs but also core values like safety, peace, autonomy, authenticity, etc)
- What you would like them to do (what is something you can request they do or refrain from doing pursuant to helping you address that need)
✅Second NVC. Just buy an app that helps structure your script that it goes thru the procees fill in the blanks style kind of and it will give you a decent starting point if you like something a bit more interactive than the basic diagram above
Maybe listen to a session or some NVC clips in action on Youtube to get a feel for it
Invite them to use NVC (even let them use your app when its their turn) on something they need that maybe they feel like you’re not 100% on for them.
If the
friendshipany relationship has the legs, they will be into it, if not they will likey feel like you’re not worth the trouble for them. Either way, its good because it seperates the wheat from the chaff in terms of who your actualy genuine relationships are with.Plan it out first, then text them step by step if they are open to engaging. I really like texting for these things because it gives everyone space to think and react or slow themselvesdown and be more conscious of how they are feeling and what their options are for responding and its easier to be grace-giving because its not face to face
Keep in mind, nobody inherentlt has the obligation to tolerate anybody else who insists on stepping on their toes in any way, especially when its knowing and deliberate and repetitive. People should generally be given the benefit of the doubt at least once where they are given a chance to correct things before you start cutting them loose but you’re not obligated to compromise your safety so someone else can make you a boundaries testing punching bag or get their much needed primer in developing their greater emotional maturity.
If something bothers you, it will never get better if you dont make it known to them that you need something different and that you will leave it to them with whatever request you formulate in response that resolves whatever the issue is
Use I feel statements. Do not say that somebody is categorically doing a thing or not doing a thing, say that you feel like they are doing a thing, and then explain why you feel that they are doing that thing and how that makes you feel. Do not judge them for it. Just clarify how you personally feel. That way you are not speaking to what they are doing, just how it is impacting you. Combine that with genuine communication and you should be okay. Be ready to make compromises. Be ready to listen to how they feel as well, not just to talk about how you feel.
Maybe try writing a letter, among other things acknowledging that it was mostly your fault, since you are saying that here. Other than that, how to handle a meeting is something the other person has to be on board with, and if you try to set the terms, you are already trying to control them, which isn’t great. You may end up having to just back away for a while (like months or years) to let the feelings settle down.
Sometimes in legal or business negotiations, the participants use a chess clock (you could enlist a third person as a mediator to enforce the no interruption rule) so each person gets the same amount of speaking time. You talk while your side of the clock is running, then press the button to turn the floor over to the other person. But, that’s a much different type of situation that probably doesn’t transfer.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chess_clock
If you want to try the chess clock thing, there are tons of phone apps for it, so you don’t need a physical one. I installed “Simple Chess Clock” from f-droid.org (I’m a crappy amateur chess player) a while back and it seems fine.
Analyzing your own feelings through the lens of stoicism may help. I’m not saying you have to live by the philosophy but it may help you decide which of your feelings actually make any logical sense, and that may help inform whether it’s worth destroying a friendship over them.
